The importance of routine, more letting go, trusting experts and looking to the future

In July I continued to establish a new routine as it was becoming apparent how important that was to my mental health despite not having a job. And also keeping reminding myself to let go of the old me and build a new life.  Clearly aspects of Mark v1 were what had got me to this stage of recovery but I had to now start looking to the future and consider a new and improved life. Hard to see at this stage, but important to keep resetting to this fact and not allow doubts and frustration to creep in. Easier said than done!!! It would be fair to say that Mum was an incredible rock to me and family, friends and the kids were tremendous support too.

I was still attending Yoga once or twice a week and attending Pilates classes.  My pay had finished from Scottish Enterprise (SE) and following consultations and reports being passed back and forth between my work’s HR team and the Occupational Health (OH) Team in the NHS it was eventually agreed that my medical retirement was to be approved.  The team at SE were brilliant and so supportive, but my priority had to be the brain rehabilitation.  In the final analysis SE, despite their flexibility couldn’t offer the environment that my OH team had identified as being needed to support my rehab.  

It was a very strange feeling not having a job anymore, but it was at least a decision that would allow me to start thinking about my future.   Thankfully for me, with my civil action against the van driver in process and interim payments already being made, financially I was going to be ok.  I was receiving ESA from the DWP too.  The process moved along slowly, but by now I was accepting of this and let the experts get on with their job. They generally expect to wait until two years from the accident to assess how much your brain has recovered. And then work out what you will now be able to do to generate income compared to your job before your accident.  Two years is the time period the experts expect you to make the most significant amount of recovery.  

I began looking at other ways to keep busy and build my new routine.  There was a big void to fill for a hyper project manager! Who also needed to keep reminding himself that his brain wasn’t quite operating at previous capacity. I suppose the fatigue that followed when I overstretched myself ( which happened from time to time!) saw to that. I was learning slowly. More on fatigue management later.

I started volunteering with the Cycling without Age/Spokes for Folks charity in Inverness.  It was great to be in a position to give something back through cycling e-bikes to give folk in old folks homes a run out :) I was doing this on average 1 or 2 times a month.   Although it’s not a huge time commitment I was continuing to manage my fatigue carefully. 

I also took part in a team relay with the Inverness Triathlon Club at Monike near Dundee.  It was a short race thank goodness!   I’m not going to lie though; it took me all the will power in the world to take part.  I just had no motivation.  My friends Martin and Ewan were the main men doing the encouragement/motivation.   Compared to Mark 1 (the term I was now using for my pre accident self) Mark 2 just wasn’t fit enough in my mind! But I did it ( pic below) and as always, the after is better than the before with racing.  Bits of the during were pretty horrendous (mainly the run) but it was great to be involved.  And to see so many people active and getting the great physical, mental and health benefits of being active in the outdoors was superb.  It wasn’t a rush back into triathlon though.  

I was still coaching, and my communication skills were getting better all the time, but I was still so far off the level Mark 1 had been at, in my own mind it was all a bit of a challenge. Very frustrating! I needed to focus on where I had been on the day of the accident to where I was now.  A huge improvement.  It’s an easy/logical thing to say.   A tad harder to do in real life! 

My cousin Morag, her Husband Skander and wee Ella (pic above) travelled from Sweden to holiday in Scotland.  They had come across the previous year but for obvious reasons I wasn’t even aware that they had been here.  It was amazing for me to see them, and I think for them to see the recovery I had made.  All along this journey often the people who don’t see you for longer periods of time notice the biggest improvements in you.  They are really encouraging things to hear from people.  Often you need reminding that things are progressing in the right direction.  It’s sometimes not so obvious when you are with yourself 24/7!      

I took Aimee to the “Heb Celt” festival in Stornoway in the Hebrides for a treat in July which was a wonderful experience.  ( pics below) Aimee sings and plays a number of instruments, primarily in folk, to an amazing standard.  To be immersed in an environment like Heb Celt was a dream come true for her.  Newton Faulkner and KT Tunstall were headlining and they were amazing. For me, I love the music too, but my main highlight was seeing Aimee so happy :) Another wonderful moment I am so grateful to be here to have seen.   

The summer of 2019 continued to include a lot of exciting things I had been organising.  In the quieter moments I was continuing to adjust if I am honest.  Through the rehabilitation budget of my civil action I had purchased a new MTB.  This meant I could do more cycling off road in a safer environment. ( pic below. you can decide if it was safer!!)  I had visited friends in Stirling with this in mind.  My rehabilitation consultant in the NHS was at pains to point out the importance of managing risk when she discovered I was on a MTB fairly regularly.    More generally following a brain injury, but very specifically with the MTBing in mind.  It’s great to be out in nature and active, but another knock on the head having already had a significant brain injury could be quite severe.  Essentially your starting threshold is a lot lower.   Dr Chandlers wise words are never far from my mind.  

I organised a wee trip to through to Aberdeen to catch up with friends and we had a wee BBQ down at the beach in Aberdeen.  My good friend Jonny was coming down from Shetland to Aberdeen on his way to Newcastle on holiday, so we caught up for a few beers too.  ( Pic above ) Another great weekend, and another wee step on my recovery to manage the organisation of the trip and my energy levels.   

I took the kids for a walk around Glen Affric in July which I think has to be one of my favourite places in the world!  Breath-taking! If you need a good walk and a reset that is the place to go. ( Pic right at the top and above)

Aimee, who I have already mentioned is extremely talented in music and all things theatrical was performing in the musical Shrek at Eden Court in August.  Mum, Hannah, Fiona and Kaitlin, my niece all came to Inverness in August to watch her perform. (pic below)  She was amazing and we had a wonderful day.  On a very busy weekend, Mum and I drove to Glencoe the next day to watch Andrew compete in his age group in the Scottish DH Championships.  On another stunningly beautiful day in a stunningly beautiful location Andrew became Scottish champion!!  (pic below) Another amazing weekend :)  and again another reminder of the things I was still around to see.  A very proud Dad and very humbling, but to be honest all the kids get what they deserve.  They put in so much hard work to their passions and love what they do.  Aimee has been singing permanently it feels like since she was 4 and Andrew is the same on a bike.  My Mum tells me I was exactly the same with bikes.  Sadly in the early 90s MTBing was yet to become a proper “thing”   And the support the kids get from their Mum and Stepdad to do what they love is incredible. 

On what was becoming a very busy week. I was at Sport Scotland’s Outdoor Training Centre in Aviemore on the Monday for the mountain and hill skills training course I mentioned earlier.   The course had been planned with Rachel, as part of my rehab, and would allow me to see how my fitness and cognitive recovery were progressing.    It was an area that I was really interested in, and I wanted to develop my skills as I continued to explore ideas as to what I might do for generating income as my brain recovered.  If nothing else, it would improve my own safety when I went hiking in the Scottish hills and mountains.  It was a great course and I learnt loads.  Somewhat luckily finding myself the only student on Derek’s course. 

It had been a really busy week but once again signs that things were going in the right direction.  With careful planning and rest, in advance of a busy 5 days, I had managed ok.  

And as the title of this blob says, it is so, so important to let go of the past you had in these situations, trust the advice you receive from experts who have vastly more experience than you and look to a positive future. It is very easy to dwell on what you have lost and ultimately it serves you no purpose. All your valuable energy must be used to build a new future.